Unlike everyone else on this site I don't spend all my time fondling smartphones and other gadgets. I've got a life you see. But for some reason they asked me to write a weekly column on that sort of thing, so here goes.
What is all the kin fuss about tablets? I mean, I get it: you can leave one lying around on the sofa and then when the missus puts on East Enders you can just pick it up and start mucking about on the Internet, and all that. But how come you guys have to bang on about them so much?
It wasn't so bad when it was just the iPad. Apple came out with all this stuff about how the iPad was going to change the world, feed the poor, turn lead into gold and all that, but that's what we expect from Apple. I got one straight away just so I could shame my mates, but I don't really use it that much unless I'm meeting a girl. They seem to get some birds going.
But once Apple started shifting a few, everyone else had to get involved. I had to laugh when one of my mates showed me a Samsung Galaxy Tab and said you can make phone calls on it. He looked like that bloke off Trigger Happy TV.
But now there's some new version of Android that everyone's using to make new tablets called honeycomb. Why do all these gadgets have to be named after food? It doesn't make any sense. A honeycomb tablet sounds like medicine for bees. What next: mobile phone flavour cough syrup?
So, looking at this site, we've got bee medicine coming from Motorola, Samsung, HTC and LG. Then we've got tablets coming from BlackBerry (more food!) and Palm (a tree). Maybe they're trying to say tablets can double as trays to eat your dinner off in front of the telly. Small tables.
The thing I want to know is: how the hell am I supposed to choose between them. Motorola has gone for Xoom as a name, which makes me think of that ice lolly shaped like a rocket. But apart from sticking with the food theme, is there any reason why I should buy that instead of the Galaxy Tab (diet coke from the 70s) 10.1, the HTC Flyer (hockey team), the LG Optimus (leader of the Transformers) Pad.
And then you've got Apple (yet more food) launching the iPad 2 next week. For some reason everyone cares whether it will be a bit thinner or have a slightly different look. It's like a kin royal wedding. What kind of dress will it wear? Will it trip up walking down the aisle? Get a life man.
Anyway, I can't wait for all this tablet stuff to be over and done with so I can get on with the serious business of looking into my next phone. That one with a 3D screen looks wicked.
*Logo image courtesy of thunderbirdsvintagetoys.co.uk.