The four-week lament begins
How to survive Euro 2008; Words of Advice from the Much, Much, Much, Much Better Half of the HEXUS Editor.
Girls, ladies, it is here. All across the nations of Europe, women are resigning themselves to weeks of poor communication; square-eyed TV-watching; sofa-orientated behaviour attended to with various forms of alcohol; unhealthy but tasty food and noisome bodily functions. At the end of it, he may well have gained his own little football on his belly, but in the name of football, this is all ok.
Or is it? It’s not fun, and though guys cajole us and try and gloss over it, Euro 2008 is an egregious blip on the calendar of your year. Finally we get some nice weather, it’s light in the evenings, you want to spend time with him…but not the zombified individual who takes up residence on his throne (that being the sofa – just where he has that comfy dip from previous long hours of viewing). Well, this is here to help, prove there is light at the end of that long tunnel, and, if nothing else, make you laugh and realise you’re not suffering alone.
How to cope with a footy-obsessed boyfriend/husband: key things to remember…- Don’t get taken in with promises of what you’ll do at the weekend. He’ll say them now, but it won’t happen; the match will be on at the local and all his friends will be there. Keep expectations low and don’t book things that require deposits.
- Find out which are going to be big matches so you won’t be disappointed when his eyes become, once again, glued to the screen and you become an irrelevance in the periphery of his world.
- Test his will power by walking past in skimpy underwear, but don’t make the mistake of walking within grabbing distance of the sofa, or, if he’s that dedicated, his special tilt-backed, cushions chair with foot rest, arm-rest and beverage receptacle. If you’re feeling really sadistic, decide to polish the top of the TV or wipe the screen clean at a really important moment - with or without underwear are both fine.
- Regardless of how visually tempting your other half is, there is always a fine array of tight buttocks and nicely-muscled legs to keep a girl happy for a short while at least. For those with rather less-defined figures, your undisguised ogling could induce some more determined effort to keep in shape. It’s a long shot, but it might be worth a try, right?
- Don’t make life easy; no man can long ignore a lack of food, beer or more food. If the fridge is empty -you haven’t got time to go food shopping - he’ll have to organise himself, though this is slightly ruined by call-in take-aways and online supermarket shopping. If this brief surfacing into the real world is good enough, hurrah! If not, read on, but remember to make the most of the opportunity and get in all your favourites from the Chinese, and if you want pineapple on the pizza you make sure you get it!
- While he stares fixedly at the screen, it is the perfect time to get him to agree to a number of things, such as painting the back fence; mending the lawnmower; taking your dad for a drink; painting the bathroom; taking you to dinner; treating you to the opera; and in more extreme cases, that maybe, it’s time you thought about getting married (is this a thinly-veiled hint, dear? Ed.). Choose this moment carefully; when his favourite team scores is the perfect moment; he’ll agree on the spot. If he says anything as silly as we’ll get married when you want, where you want and you can have as big a ring as you like, then it would be wrong not to take him at his word…
- All men become experts on football, so expect to be lectured on who was a good player in 2000, 2004, who scored the winner in the match in 1999, etc. They will think they know everything; that the ref is blind; that the linesmen are stupid. Either agree with ‘mmm,’ and ‘yes,’ whilst painting your nails, or, if you have a more perverse sense of humour, do some research (it isn’t hard, just Google for 5 minutes) and come up with some rare nugget of knowledge on one of the players. Not only will he look at you in amazement but he might actually remember you are a person that deserves respect while he’s in the ‘Eurozone’
- Brainwashing: Unless you want to remember all these things, let them just wash over you. If tensions are already high because he’s just suddenly told you that he can’t go to the film because the match is between defending champions and this year’s favourites, try to resist too many sarcastic comments about his apparent Mensa-level knowledge, and repress the urge, snorting derisively at sentences that start with: ‘even I could score from there…’ (what, you and the beer belly?’) or, ‘when I was younger…’ (you remember that?) or, ‘what he should have done…’ (words will fail you sometimes).
- Some of the football is actually quite good (Holland vs. Italy, dear. Ed.). Even non-fans can appreciate the skill of some goals, but if it really doesn’t grab you, don’t waste your evening or nice summer evenings not enjoying yourself.
